Mac vs. Windows vs. Linux

Using a Mac is like living in a downtown penthouse. You have everything done for you and it all looks very slick, but you pay a high price. You have a doorman to pamper you and somebody else takes care of the maintenance, but you can't make a lot of changes to the property.

Using Windows is like living in the suburbs. You get more square footage for your dollar but you have to mow your own lawn and when something goes wrong, you have to fix it yourself or pay someone extra to do it. You can make changes to your property but you might have to deal with deed restrictions or city ordinances or homeowner association rules.

Using Linux is like living out in the country. Compared to the other options, property is dirt cheap and you can do whatever you want to it without having to follow codes and get inspections. But you'll probably have to do a lot more of the work yourself and you need a lot of building expertise or else you may get yourself into big trouble and find your house falling down all around you because you didn't do it correctly.

from VistaNews

Bush's Tax rebate

(Don't send this to the Gov of NY....He was ahead of this e-mail....)
How to use the rebate
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India,
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala,
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan,
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan
and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Sincerely,
Client #10

Three Things to Ponder

Three Things to Ponder: They've been around before, but maybe we need to go through them again.

1. Cows?

2. The Constitution?

3. The Ten Commandments?

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic, our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.???

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we are not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we cannot have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Stop choking: Aussie-style

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
" Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie
The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever Seen somebody do it!"

You might be from Ohio If...

You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-yuh), if...

• You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
• You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winterand construction.
• You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
• You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
• "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
• You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
• You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
• "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
• You measure distance in minutes.
• Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
• Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
• You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
• You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
• You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Forexample: "Where's my coat at?"
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leaveboth unlocked.
• You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
• You carry jumper cables in your car.
• You know what 'pop' is.
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filledwith snow.
• You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
• The local paper covers national and international headlines onone page but requires six pages for sports.

If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OhiO friends!

Wine vs Water

After a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

You know you live (or have lived) in Cincinnati if . . .

You know you live (or have lived) in Cincinnati if . . .

a.. You know that Kahn's = "the weiner the world awaited".
b.. You know who said on Reds' broadcasts: "This is the old left-hander, rounding third and headed for home." Joe Nuxhall...still the youngest MLB player ~ 15 yrs. old.
c.. You also know who says on Reds' broadcasts: "This one belongs to the Reds." Marty Brennemen, Hall-of-Fame Broadcaster whose son, Thom, joins him in the booth for the '07 season.
d.. You were told (maybe by a grandparent) that in 1853 the Cincinnati Fire Department became the first full-time paid professional fire department in the country.
e.. You remember the Cincinnati Reds playing at Crosley Field and Riverfront Stadium.
f.. You remember the Streitman Biscuit Company... before Keebler purchased them.
g.. You remember the Midwestern Hayride.
h.. You remember shopping "downtown" at Shillitos, Pogues, and McAlpins instead of Macys and Dillards "at the mall."
i.. You know who the Cool Ghoul and Ruth Lyons were.
j.. You knew Bob Braun before he sold furniture on late night TV commercials.
k.. You can sing the "Audience wave" jingle from the "50-50 Club".
l.. Skipper Ryle was a mentor.
m.. You immediately recognize the name Brent Spence (but you may not know who he was).
n.. You know pigs do fly in Cincinnati, as can be see by four majestic winged pigs at a riverfront park in Cincinnati (formerly "Porkopolis"). Every year 1000's flock to Cincy to run in the Flying Pig marathon...the fastest growing marathon in the country.
o.. You know that the Cincinnati airport isn't even in OHIO and that the airport symbol (CVG) stands for Covington, KY!
p.. You know that Reading Road is pronounced "RED"ing (NOT REEDING).
q.. You know what bread is "Hearth-baked on stone" (Rubel's rye bread).
r.. You remember when the first "Gold Star Chili" parlor was named "Hamburger Heaven" in Mt. Washington just across the street from the old movie theater. The place served up a fine burger plus a very unusual chili and spaghetti combo. And of course, nothing tasted better than
those little hot dogs topped with chili, cheese and onions.
s.. You know who said, "I don't care about making money...I just looooove to sell carpet."
t.. You spend every weekend in SEPTEMBER going to a different OKTOBERFEST!
u.. You remember that when the Bengals last went to the Superbowl gas was $1.09/gal.
v.. You have friends, neighbors or relatives with names like Guckenberger, Hirlinger, Schottlekotte, Schraffenberger, Schoenling and other names that can relate to "Vas you ever in Zinzinnati"?
w.. You plan your summer weekends around the local parish festivals.
x.. You think the only tri-state area in the US is Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana (some say that's how Okeana got its name, but those living in the small town of the same name disagree. They say the tri-state name has nothing to do with the name of the town, even though a few "funny guys"
have said so over the years. Okeana was actually a local Native American princess and the town is named after her).
y.. During a taste test you can tell the difference between the following chilis: Skyline, Cincinnati Recipe, Empress, Gold Star, Camp Washington, Worthmore (any others?).
z.. You know how to spell our city and it's not: Cincinati, Cincinatti, Cincinnatti or Cinninati
aa.. You go to "Cookouts" not "BBQ's".
ab.. You "Warsh" your clothes!
ac.. Anytime you are asked where you graduated from, you answer - without hesitation - your high school. No one cares where you went to college.
ad.. One of your favorite summer treats is either a Black Cow or a Red Cow (using BARQS and courtesy of Uncle Al and Cap'n Windy).
ae.. You know how to "save cash with "Cash".
af.. You know a cross-town shootout isn't a big fight in the wild west, but a b-ball game between XU and UC!
ag.. You pronounce it "sin-sin-nat-tee" not "sin-sin-na-ta"
ah.. You take a leisurely summer drive through a suburban neighborhood and you see many people cornhole-ing!
ai.. You know that the Daniel Carter Beard Bridge is commonly referred to as Big Mac.
aj.. You know that Paul-baby isn't Paul Newman.
ak.. It's not Easter without Papa's cream eggs.
al.. You're at a Bob Evans restaurant watching someone put ketchup on their eggs.
am.. Instead of saying "What?" you say "Please?"
an.. You add an "s" to the end of grocery store names, such as Krogers and Meijers.
ao.. You drive on roads that change names at county lines, and roads with hyphenated names (i.e., Cincinnati-Dayton, Fields-Ertel, Hamilton-Mason, Loveland-Madeira).
ap.. You can buy beer by driving into a drive-through pole-barn.
aq.. You refer to the animal shelter/dog pound as "the SPCA", much to the bewilderment of non-Cincinnatians.
ar.. You believe LaRosa's is fine Italian dining and carry a "Buddy Card".
as.. You recognize that Anthony Munoz is a former NFL Player and not a furniture salesman.
at.. You have a strange love of GM vehicles.
au.. You remind people that Pompillios was in the movie Rainman.
av.. You can understand traffic reports which ignore road names and use phrases such as: Norwood Lateral, Cut-in-the-hill", "the Lockland split", "Five-Mile", "The S-Curve", and "Wards Corner".
aw.. Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union (United Dairy Farmers).
ax.. You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
ay.. You miss Marge Schott (God rest her soul).
az.. It doesn't seem weird to you that everyone has an Uncle Al.
ba.. Your favorite Coney Island isn't in New York.
bb.. You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.
bc.. You know how Jerry Springer got his start.
bd.. You know what a Pony Keg is.
be.. You know what brats and metts are (i.e QUEEN CITY SAUSAGE) and you've probably tasted goetta (GLIER'S!!).
bf.. You know that Cherokee Motors was located at 7505 Vine (where Paddock meets Vine at the big Indian sign). NOW OWNED BY SANDY'S BRO-IN-LAW, BARRY RICHMAN AND IT'S CALLED MOTORTIME AUTO SALES!
bg.. An all-boys or all-girls school doesn't seem that odd to you. There's probably one in your neighborhood, and maybe you even went to it.
bh.. You think a mixed marriage is when an East-Sider marries a West-Sider.
bi.. You know the difference between Hudy and "Who Dey".
bj.. You know what cream ale is, and you think that cream soda should be bright red (BARQS!).
bk.. You can visit California, Lebanon, Moscow, Wyoming, and go Over-the-Rhine ... all in the same day

Dear Abby is brilliant!

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless


Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.